I Love You Enough...

If I wrote a children's book, it would probably go a little like this...

I love you enough...

To pry the carcass of your dead hermit crab from his shell so you could have it to remember him by.

To forgive you without using the words "next time" or "I told you".

To make you take medicine even when it tastes "like sewer trash".

To investigate that giant crash.

To help you clean up that cookie jar you just broke.

To discipline you for sneaking cookies without permission.

To respect your privacy.

To invade your privacy if you give me a reason to do so.

To let you run around in cowgirl boots and a diaper.

To not take pictures of you wearing only cowgirl boots and a diaper for the sole purpose of showing a future boyfriend.

To tell you the truth even when its hard or uncomfortable.

To know which talks would be better handled by dad.

To sort through pumpkin goo so you can cook the seeds.

To remember that there is a difference between letting you grow-up and forcing you to grow up.

To applaud you for being a big boy even when I kind of still wish you were a baby.

To hold you when you have a rotten day even though you think you are too big for that.

To welcome your friends into our home and make it a place they enjoy hanging out in.

To spoil you with love, affection and time, but not with materials.

To teach the difference between loving people and loving sin.

To teach you to respect authority.

To teach you how to disagree with people in authority while still being respectful.

To let you eat that cookie that fell on the floor.

To not let you drink that chocolate milk that has been in the car for two days.

To let you make your own mistakes, but not at the cost of your safety or well-being.

To pray for you and tell you that I am and why.

To laugh at your jokes.

To lovingly tell you when you are being annoying.

To admire your lego creations even when I'm not sure what they are.

To make you pick up your legos even though you are planning to play with them tomorrow because legos hurt to step on.

To call your disobedience what it is...sin.

To remind you that Jesus died because of sin so you will understand that there is a price to pay for sin.

To tell you over and over and over that Jesus paid that price and that His death made a way for you to spend an eternity with Him.

To never let you forget that while I love you enough to do all these things and more for you, Jesus loves you even more and always will.

Uncomplicated Prayers...

Stories from the Growing Years By: Arleta Richardson

"Our daughters have gone into business" Sarah Jane announced.

"What kind of business?"

"They're selling prayers."

I don't know what I'd expected to hear, but nothing in my experience had prepared me for this. "They're selling what!?"

"Prayers. Actually, Jessica is selling them. Alma is praying them. And they're dividing the proceeds."

My knees gave way and I sat down in the closest chair. "Maybe you'd better start at the beginning."

"I told you that Alma had assured Jessica that the new baby was a sister because of her prayers. It sounded like too good a talent to waste, so Jess persuaded Alma to pray for a new dress for her before school started. Sam got wind of it and allowed as how he could use a new pocket knife. Alma agreed to give it her best effort. Don't ask me how it happened, but Grandma Clark sent Jessica a dress and Grandpa Charles sent Sam a knife."

"It turned out," Sarah Jane continued, "that since three things that Alma had prayed for were granted, it seemed likely that whatever she asked would be given."...

Z prays. A lot. About everything. But one of his most consistent prayers go like this, "Dear Jesus. You are the one true God and you can do anything. Please make Asher get better. Amen." Asher is our friends son who has Cystic Fibrosis. When I wrote about losing our sweet Paxon, that was Asher's baby brother. Well, Asher is getting another brother in March. We are so excited and I could hardly wait to tell the boys. I was able to share the big news yesterday...

October 18th: Today I told Isaac that you were expecting a baby boy. He burst into tears. When he calmed down he explained it to me and I burst into tears.

"Mommy, when Paxon died I cried and cried because that was Asher's brother. So everyday when I prayed that God would make Asher better I prayed that He would give him another brother, too. And He heard me, mom. Do you know what that means? It means God can make Asher better someday, we just have to keep praying and looking for a cure."

..."No wonder Jesus said we must become as little children," Sarah Jane said when the girls ran off to play. "We go out of our way to complicate our faith, don't we?"

"Yes," Thomas replied, "With about one-tenth that much, we could change the world."

So...what big prayers are you praying with confidence?

Smart People Joke...

Two men walk into a bar. The first man says, "I'd like some H2O." The second man says, "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O, too." The second man died.

AJ and Z's Relationship...

AJ: Z! Z! 'Mere!

Z: Okay, just a sec.
AJ: No! Z, 'mere now!
Z: Just a sec.
AJ: No just a! Now, Z! Right now!
Z: Stop AJ. You aren't the boss of me.
AJ: Yes! Now, now, now! Right now!
Z: No. If you want me just come here.
AJ (after a brief pause): Okay.

If only she was so reasonable with me...

AJ's Mood...

Toy Computer: Hi! Let's play and learn together.
AJ: No.
Computer: Choose a category.
AJ: No.
Computer: Great! Now choose an activity.
AJ: No.
Computer: Great! Let's play!
AJ: AJ say NO!

Oops, I may have laughed...

AJ had a McDonald's cup that I set on the floor of the van while trying to buckle her into her car seat...

AJ: Cup!
Me: After I get you buckled you can have it.
AJ (screaming): Cup NOW!
Me: If you scream at me again I won't give you back your cup.
AJ (screaming louder, if that is actually possible): CUP! CUP! CUP! (Adds a smacking motion in my general direction.)
Me: You don't hit and scream. You may not have your cup because you screamed again and chose to hit.
I put the cup into the cup holder where she can't reach it (or see it...I'm not a monster) and pull out of the parking lot.
AJ (loudly, but not screaming): Cup! AJ cup right now! Mommy, right now!
Me: No. You may have the cup at home.
AJ (under her breath): Naughty mommy. AJ cup right now. Naughty mommy. Go time-out mommy.
Me: I can totally hear you.
AJ (stage whispering): AJ cup right now, naughty mommy. You need spanks????

And THAT is when I may have laughed...

Big Plans...

M: When I grow up I'm going to make the world re-acknowledge Pluto as a planet.
Me: That is your goal in life?
M: One of them.
Z: My goal is to be an animal trainer. That way I can teach real animals how to be pokemon animals and bring the game to real life. I'm going to go to the North Pole and start on the penguins, unless Mrs. M will let me borrow her turtle...

Ya, just say NO Mrs. M!!!

No Thank You, Nook...

I don't care how heavy they are. I don't care if they supposedly kill trees. I don't care if they don't have a well-lit screen. Nothing beats the smell of printed paper and leather, and the tingle in your fingers when you turn the first page of a new book. You can't smell a Nook.

So Guess What...

On Friday I'm taking the kid's to Honormommy's house. We are so excited! Yay for blog buddies!

Dear Dunkin Donuts...

Having the slogan "America Runs on Dunkin" really isn't helping our image.

Sincerely, America

Philippians 4:8...

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

There is a person in my life who has caused a lot of hurt. Whether intentionally or unintentionally I can't really say. All I know is that for the most part not thinking about said person is the easiest way to deal with it. I'm not angry, not bitter (although I've had my moments). I gave that to God a long time ago and now when those feeling arise it is easier for me to lay them at Jesus feet and leave them there. But after reading this verse I think I'm handling our relationship all wrong. You see, I don't think about this person at all until something happens that opens up that wound again and then I pray and meditate on God's word until I can forgive and move on. I wonder if I choose to meditate on the positive things NOW would the negative affect me as harshly? Would it be easier to forgive, or even possible to not be hurt in the first place? This isn't about me reaching out to them, it is about me reaching out to God. And so I made a list of positive things. Things that are praiseworthy. And I'm changing my prayers about this relationship. Instead of praying for this person, I am thanking God for the lovely, admirable things I have witnessed. I don't know how this will pan out, but I can tell you that I feel a peace that comes from obeying God. Of all the advice I've been given over the years I'm thinking Paul's may be right on the mark.

Z's Graduation...

Well, we survived kindergarten. The graduation was darling. I have video, lots of pictures and I only cried a little bit. When they handed the kids their "diplomas" they also announced their future aspirations. We had several ice-cream truck drives, a ton of police and fire-fighters, one future president and one future princess. Plus two cowboys because that is what Z and Red have decided to be when they grow up. The good news is that the Stallion and I won't have to pay for Z to attend college in another country. The bad news is that we may have to pay for horseback riding lessons...

Dear Internet Explorer...

You sucked. I updated you. Now you suck more. I am switching to Firefox. I'm sure you won't miss me. The feeling is mutual. Sincerely, Me.

Isaiah 45:2-3...

"I will go before you... (I will be in that chemo room before you even arrive at the clinic.)

...and will level the mountains... (I will bring to mind scripture that reminds you of My strength and My protection and bring you to the minds of other Christians so you will be covered in prayer.)

I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron... (I will provide medication for your healing, friends to care for your children and a husband who will willingly take on the tasks you normally do.)

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places... (You will discover how sinful and weak you are and I will use that to build you up and mold you into the woman you were meant to be.)

...so that you may know that I am the LORD, the GOD of Israel who summons you by name"... (I created you and I love you. You are never out of my sight or beyond the reach of My arms. You are so precious to Me, Joanna, and daily I am blessing you through this experience.)

Z's "Lifelong Friend"...

Z refers to Red as his "lifelong friend", mostly because he doesn't remember a time when they weren't best friends. Today M had a pool party to attend along with Red's sister, so I picked up Red and the three of us went to the splash park and out for ice-cream. I think I had as much fun as they did. I don't get to watch my children interact with their friends as much as I used to. My mommy heart was overflowing as I watched them laughing and splashing. On the way back to Red's house I overheard them talking about their future...

Red: When we grow up we should live together.

Z: Ya. When we go to college.

Red: What's college?

Z: Its grown-up work. You have to use a laptop.

Red: Okay! I want to go to college.

Z: Great, but we'll have to stay in this country. I hear its expensive to go to college in other countries.

For the record, we haven't actually talked to Z about his future plans, so I have no idea how he found out the cost of a college education in a foreign country. After we dropped Red off he talked a bit more about their future...

"Me and Red are unique because we don't have all the same favorites, but we are still best friends. We are always going to be best friends even when we are grown-ups. In fact, when I get married I am going to tell my wife, 'I'm only marrying you because Red is a boy and its not okay for boys to marry other boys.'"

Hmmm...okay then. I pray every night for Red and his friendship with Z. It is as unique as they are.

AJ vs. Doggie Door...

Seriously...this was designed for a 11 pound dog, not a 25 pound toddler!

Stupid Cancer...

Z's All About My Mom Worksheet...

My Mom's name is: Jowana

She is: 36 ? years old.

Her favorite food is: noodls!

but she doesn't like: meat!

She spends most of her time: sleeping!

If my mom could have one wish come true, she would wish for: to feel better.

The thing my mom likes to do for fun is: sleep.

I love my mom because: she is cute.

My mom loves me because: I am cool.

My favorite thing she cooks is: noodls!

He also drew a picture of me with a bow in my hair. "I drew you with your beautiful hair back on." Stupid, stupid cancer. I'm saving this worksheet not in his box, but in my cancer box and someday we will look back on it and smile, I hope. Someday, but not today. Today cancer just sucks.

Z's Faith...

Z: Mom, Mrs. H. is going to move to 1st grade next year so I can stay in her class!!!

Me: Where did you hear that?

Z: I prayed and asked God for it and He totally has my back on this one!

Oh, dear...

I Watched Apollo 13...

...but it doesn't mean I get to take credit for saving the astronauts.

I Met A Fellow Chemo Patient today...

She was about two-years-old and sad because her hair had just fallen out. I showed her my head and told her we were both still beautiful. Her mom said people have been so insensitive, asking questions about it and acting like the daughter couldn't understand them. I wanted so much to tell her how I felt, but what I was feeling, besides sadness, was anger and frustration that each year breast cancer raises more money and awareness than all childhood cancers combined. All cancer sucks, all cancer needs a cure, but better me than my (or anybody's) child.

Scout...

Not Hobbitsister's Scout...our Scout. Well, technically he isn't ours...yet. Our friends are getting rid of their dog, but not for the usual reasons. It just doesn't get along well with their other dog. So Scout needs a new home. He is kennel trained, potty trained, obeys basic commands and even does tricks. And he LOVES little boys. In fact his current owner warned us that he will probably want to sleep in Z's bed, under the covers, cuddled up to him. Which is really what Z needs right now. Z has been struggling lately with the fact that his mommy has cancer. He isn't sleeping well and uses any and every excuse to get right back up. Plus, Z loves dogs. He has been begging for a dog ever since he could talk. But he has asthma and we have seen some dogs trigger it. Scout is a short haired chihuahua, so we are praying that Z won't show any signs of allergies and Scout will become a permanent addition to our household. HOWEVER, just in case we are only dog-sitting for awhile. The boys are not aware that Scout may be here to stay, just that he is here to visit. We'll just have to wait and see, but keep Z in your prayers. It does seem like this would only be a positive thing for him.

Usually I Stay Away From Politics...

But can I just say that pushing through expensive bills with no real way of how to finance them and then saying you are going to reduce our deficit is just plain stupid? For the record I would say that to anyone who was president regardless of party or race. I personally could not make a budget, add in a weekly massage that I have no way to pay for and then expect to come out ahead each month. Or can I??? I think I'll look into that one... And just for fun...

Always Take Your Vitamins...

Kindergarten Girl: What happened to your hair?

Me: I got sick so the doctors gave me some medicine to make me better. It worked, but my hair fell out, but don't worry because it will grow back.

KG (Hands to her mouth in absolute panic): Was it Flinstones Vitamins????

Definition Of A Tired Toddler...

• AJ: Mommy? Go night-night?


• Me: Are you ready to go night-night?


• AJ: YES!

She immediately runs around and gathers her doll, blanket, sippy cup and pacifier. She runs and waits at the bottom of the stairs for me to open the gate, crawls up the stairs, runs to her room and stands by her crib until I lift her in. I put her in bed, she lays right down and as I'm shutting the door I hear her tiny, little voice say, "thank you!" You're welcome. Sleep sweet, baby girl.

April Fool...

35 years ago on April Fools Day my future mother-in-law announced to her family that she was expecting a baby. Of course, no one believed her. In fact, it probably would have taken many more weeks to convince them if that baby hadn't decided to make his appearance very, VERY early. He came on April 19th and let me tell you, he ain't no joke. He is, in fact, the best thing that ever happened to me. He is, without a doubt, the world's greatest husband. Would you like further proof?

• Last night...




• Me: Where are the rest of those suckers?


• Chris: In the sucker basket.


• Me: We have a sucker basket?


• Chris: Yes.


• Me: Where?


• Chris: Next to the chocolate basket.


• Me: We have a chocolate basket?!?!


• Chris: Yes.


• Me: Since when????


• Chris: Since I decided that two of your favorite treats should have special places on the shelf that way I can make sure we don't run out.


• Me: Have a I told you I love you lately?


• Chris: Yes.


• Me: When?


• Chris: Right before you went looking for the sucker basket.


• Me: Okay then.

Theology Z Style...

Z: God knows everything, right?
Me: Yep.
Z: I'm so jealous of that.
Me: Why?
Z: Because I really want to know what the inside of a tree looks like.
M: You can see when you cut it down.
Z: SIGH. I want to see the inside of a alive tree, not a dead one!


Z: Were Adam and Eve married?
Me: Yes.
Z: Who married them?
Me: God.
Z: Where?
Me: In the garden of Eden.
Z: Did He bring a gift?

Today I Was Hugged By A Total Stranger...

Her name was Carly and she was five-years-old...

Carly: Did you lose all your hair because you have cancer?
Me: Yes, I did.
Carly: My great granny had breast cancer. What kind do you have?
Me: Breast cancer.
Carly: Are you going to die?
Me: No. Jesus is taking very good care of me.
Carly: Jesus took very good care of my great granny, too, but He did it by taking her to heaven to live with Him.
Me: I'm sorry your great granny died, but I'm so glad she is in Heaven.
Carly: And I'm very sad that you have cancer, but I'm very happy that you know Jesus.
Me: Me, too.
Carly: Could you come down here for a sec? I'd like to give you a hug before we say good-bye.
Me: Absolutely.
Carly: Thanks. (Gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear...) Jesus will take good care of you. He promised and Jesus never breaks His promises.

Thank you, Jesus, for that very sweet reminder. You know I needed it!

Time...

"Most of us sense something else about time: it is a resource. Moreover it is a unique resource. It cannot be accumulated like money or stockpiled like raw materials. We are forced to spend it, whether we choose to or not, and at a fixed rate of 60 seconds every minute. It cannot be turned on and off like a machine or replaced like a man. It is irretrievable."

Our pastor shared this quote at my women's meeting this morning and it struck such a chord with me. I was on the fast track. I used to joke that I knew God was God, I just had trouble with being still. But now I'm still. A. Lot. And I'm learning more and more how quickly time passes and how easily I've squandered it rushing to the next thing. Wanting to be done with the here and now and onto the bigger and better. I'm sad to think about all those things I've missed being a "busymommy". I hate cancer, but if that is what it took for God to slow me down then I will choose to count it all joy. Because there is so much beauty in being still.

Cancer Quote...

Oh, I've heard it all. Some funny, some sad, some pointless and others just confusing ("You never know how important nose hair is until it falls out." Hmmm...thanks? But my little Z has topped them all...

Z: I forgot my folder.
Me: Lets run back to your classroom and get it then. (We hadn't left the school yet.)

Z takes off running, I follow at a steady walk. By the time I arrive he has the door propped open and is waiting, with one hand on his hip, leaning on the door with a saucy little tilt to his head. As soon as I am close enough he says, quite sarcastically...

"I guess moms with cancer aren't good runners, either!"

Sesame Street...

Tonight while watching an old Sesame Street video...

Chris: You know Gordon and Olvia have been divorced since the 70's, right? They're just staying together for the puppets.

He said it so seriously that I totally cracked up.

My 3 Favorite Kids...

M: Are you going to lose your hair?
Me: Yes, I am, but it doesn't matter.
M: Are you going to wear a wig?
Me: Probably not.
M: You do know they make those, right?!?!?!

(He was totally cool with it once I told him that he and his brother could cover my head with temporary tatoos for Talk Like A Pirate Day.)

Me: What does a cow say?
AJ: OOOOO!
Me: Right! What does a dog say?
AJ: Oof Oof!
Me: Right! What does a sheep say?
AJ: AAAAA!
Me: Right! What does a pig say?
AJ: La La La!

(Auntie Hobbitsister sent AJ the book Moo, Baa, La La La for christmas. The first lines are A cow says moo, a sheep says baa, three singing pigs say la la la. Now AJ is officially confused.)

Z: I love you.
Me: I love you.
Z: I hate cancer.
Me: I hate cancer, too.
Z: I also hate green bean casserole, but M says that at least it doesn't make you go bald.

Guess What...

Cancer sucks. I hate it more than I can ever remember hating ANYTHING. It frustrates me, inconveniences me, scares me and angers me. Those are all facts. But here are some other facts. Cancer pushes me constantly to the feet of Jesus. It keeps me on my knees in prayer. It forces me to remember what really matters. I can't bring myself to like cancer, I can't even bring myself to stop hating it. But that's okay because God never intended me to have cancer. He didn't create cancer and He didn't punish me with cancer. He is still in control and on His throne and even cancer can't change that. So take that, cancer, because you already lost!

Paxon Ray--December 25, 2010-January 4, 2011...

Today we sat in church and said good-bye to our precious Paxon Ray. I say "our" because God granted me the beautiful privilege of praying and loving Paxon long before we even knew his name. And I have, faithfully. My prayers have gone from daily, to hourly, to constant. And they were answered. Paxon rests safely in the arms of Jesus, whole and perfect. So now my prayer has changed. And I still pray constantly for comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding, because how could anyone understand saying good-bye to their 11-day-old. I can tell you with conviction that he has left a greater legacy in his shortened life than some others will leave in 90 years. God has moved and is still moving and He is using Paxon's story to remind people that all life is beautiful and worth fighting for.

Paxon Ray
Written and Performed by Kristie Braselton

We gazed at you in black and white.
We prayed for you night after night.
Paxon Ray

Those tiny hands and tiny heart.
We fought for you right from the start.
Paxon Ray

Only Jesus knew how long we'd have with you.
So we treasured every moment you were here.

Sweet Paxon Ray, with us just eleven days.
How we wish you could have stayed.
Sweet Paxon Ray, we will hold you once again.
One wonderful day, sweet Paxon Ray.

Oh the joy the day you came.
You were so small and yet so brave.
Our Paxon Ray.

Your fragile fingers gripped us tight.
You wouldn't go without a fight.
Paxon Ray

We know that now our Father has healed your heart for you.
And one day He'll make our broken hearts whole, too.

We weren't finished loving you.
Our little boy, you will always be.
No, we weren't finished loving you.
So we'll love you into eternity.



This road is dark, hard and old.
Our feet are tired, sore and cold.
Today uncertain. Tomorrow unknown.
But He is our light, our shelter, our gold.

-Paxon's Daddy (December 28, 2010)

My Year In Review...

In February we lost my brother-in-law, Scott. Their home was also destroyed in a fire. We traveled to be with my sister and my nephews for the funeral and the short time we had was a blessing to us. We took not one, but two trips to Legoland this year, even taking time to visit the new water park. Chris and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. M moved up in Scouts, becoming a WEBELOS. Z started Kindergarten. After much prayer and research we moved the boys into a local public school, which has been a huge blessing to all of us. We lost an old family friend to suicide and I lost an acquaintance to breast cancer. A friend went missing for several days, but was found. We continue to pray for her and her family. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have spent many hours undergoing tests and meeting new doctors. Chris graduated from the University of Phoenix (with honors, I might add!) with another business degree. M turned 9, Z turned 6 and AJ turned 1. Chris and I actually spent one whole night away from our kids. (Okay, it was like 12 hours, but it was still nice!) I read lots of books and made it through a couple of movies. We went to the movie theatre twice, once with everyone to see Toy Story 3 and then once as a couple to see the new Harry Potter. M started reading book 7 in the Harry Potter series and Z learned to read and got his own library card. My parents visited twice this year. We spent a lot of time with friends. I cooked meals for 5 families that had new babies at their house. We rang in the New Year at 10:00 with a few of our dearest friends and Chris and I fell asleep before 2011 even began. All in all, it was a wonderful year and I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for us in 2011! Happy New Year, Friends! Praying right now that God will bless each and every one of you in many special ways this year. Love you all!