I want a vacation...

I have decided that I want to go on vacation with my husband. Let me define "vacation" for you. I want to go somewhere where a wake-up call does not involve poopy diapers. I want to fall asleep on my husbands chest and not wake up face to face with a child. I want to spend a few days not having to use the phrases, "stop fighting with your brother", "Watch where your peeing!" and "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SMELL???". I want to go somewhere where dressing for dinner does not mean trying to force your two-year-old to wear pants at the table. I want after-dinner entertainment to involve more than a rousing game of "what made that spot on the carpet?". I want to be able to kiss my husband passionately without hearing my five-year-old gag. I want to spontaneously get "friendly" without having to check the closet first to make sure no one is using it for hide-and-seek. I want the phrase, "get back in that bed" to have an entirely different meaning. But mostly I just want a few days where someone else cooks my meals, makes my bed, does the dishes and scrubs the toilet without complaint. Does anyone know of a resort that can provide all that with no notice and very little cost to me???