Why I Hate Baking...

Recipe For Brown Bread

Combine 2 eggs, 1/2 tsp salt and 2 cups lumpy, hard as a rock brown sugar in large mixing bowl. Turn on mixer to cream, turn off mixer, change outlets, turn on mixer, turn off mixer, turn on coffee pot, turn off coffee pot, unplug coffee pot, plug mixer into coffee pot's outlet, turn on mixer, admit defeat and angrily throw broken mixer into overflowing garbage can. (Make mental note to take out garbage.) Begin to cream eggs and sugar with wooden spoon, stopping frequently to pick out brown sugar pebbles. Carefully put 3 1/2 cups flour into bowl only designed to hold 3 cups. Search for baking soda for 5 minutes before discovering youngest son covered in baking soda. Stop to clean up and discipline son. Say little prayer to God thanking him for sparing 2 tsp baking soda. Add soda to flour and carefully and slowly combine, attempting not to spill any flour. Mix 2 tsp vinegar into 2 cups of milk. Stop to explain to oldest son why this is not a good time to build a volcano. Begin to add milk and flour mixture a little at a time to brown sugar. Discover that mixture is really, really hard to stir by hand. Briefly consider abandoning attempt to make brown bread, but then remember that ingredients cost money. Take brief break to stop youngest son from playing DVD's in his CD player. Remind oldest son that he is not in charge. Return to stirring. When mixture is well-combined or your hand is too tired to stir anymore pause to glance at recipe. Say bad word when you realize you should have added baking soda to milk, not flour. Stop to remind youngest son not to say bad words. Turn on oven that should have already been preheating to 350. Carefully measure dough into two ungreased loaf pans, taking special care to make certain dough is evenly distributed. Glance at recipe, swallow swear words and scrape mixture back into mixing bowl. Rinse out loaf pans and grease. Spoon mixture back into pans as quickly as possible, paying no attention to how much each pan gets. Stick pans in oven. Remember to set timer for 40 minutes. Get baby up from nap and change diaper. Break up argument between 5 year old and 2 two year old. Fold and put away clean laundry. Put wet laundry into dryer. Put another load of laundry into washer. Break up argument between 7 month old and 2 year old. Attempt to sweep brown sugar on flour underneath cupboard with foot. Rinse dishes and attempt to load into overflowing dishwasher. Check bread. Remove bread from oven. Remind children that bread is for dinner and needs to cool. Remind children they cannot have bread. Give in to children because you are too tired to argue anymore. Comfort youngest when he burns tongue. Wrap cooled loaf for sister-in-law. Hand over said loaf and modestly accept praise when she discovers you've made her favorite. Toss recipe in still overflowing garbage and swear to never bake again.