Yep, that is the title I usually use when I am about to give you my opinion on something, but this time it's more of a thoughtful meandering. And what I'm about to type would probably not win me the popular vote on facebook, but whatever. This morning there was a news story about a dad who made his son wear a sandwich board on a busy street corner that read, "I am in 7th grade and I flunked this semester." A couple of months ago facebook ran wild with people posting a video of a dad who reads a letter his daughter wrote about her parents and then shot a gun into her laptop. Before that it was the mom that posted the ad in the paper selling her son's car because she found an empty beer can in it. Story after story about parents who are choosing to bring their child's misdeeds public in hopes of them understanding the seriousness of their offenses.
Do I think these parents sincerely want their children to succeed, to grow-up to mature adults, to understand the difference between right and wrong? Yes, I really do. But I can't get on board with this stuff and the reason I can't is that in some ways it seems self serving. It almost feels like an eye for an eye. You have embarrassed me, so I will embarrass you. And thanks to technology we can do it on a large scale.
I guess I think about my own children at their current age. When they are hurt by friends is my immediate response "then hurt them back"? No. I try to teach my children that two wrongs don't make a right. Sure, you need to stand up for yourself. If someone hurts you tell them so and why. If it keeps happening then distance yourself from that person because no one has the right to hurt you. But get even? No.
As parents we have to make hard choices. My children have missed birthday parties and sleep-overs do to poor choices. I don't allow them to make excuses for their behavior either. They have had to tell friends that they can't go bike riding because they are grounded. But I have never publicly shamed them for their mistakes because my goal in parenting is not to make them feel bad or humiliate them, it is to train them and teach them.
So now that boy in Miami will probably get better grades. After all, he never wants to go through that kind of embarrassment again. He will never, never forget the day he made the news for being a class clown. So dad won, right? I mean in the end it was worth it to get compliance. The ends justified the means. Or did they? 7th grade...that time when boys start turning to friends instead of to parents. That time when they start figuring out who they are. The time when your kids really need a safe place to stand when they mess up and need help.
As for that mom who sold her son's car, she publicly apologized to her son. She did an interview just to tell the world that he wasn't the one who was drinking, it was his friend. She said that she never expected the story to leave their small town, never expected people to applaud her and turn her into a hero. She told her son she was sorry, not for selling his car (after all, he had been warned that this would happen if he or anyone else drank in it), but for taking a private matter that belonged in their family and making it public.
As for that dad who shot his daughter's laptop... Well, I don't think he "needs to be investigated by CPS just in case he shoots her next". Little ridiculous if you ask me. He never threatened her in any way. He read aloud her letter which sounded like it was written by a overly-dramatic teenage girl who wanted her friends to know how rough she had it. Well, I guess dad just helped her prove her point. Now to her friends she is a martyr. Look at what her dad did to her! And other parents applaud him. You go dad! Don't let that girl walk all over you! Teach her some respect! I'm sure she respects you for humiliating her. For publicly shaming her. For making sure all her friends know how very lucky she is to have a father who loves her enough to take the time to make a video, post it on youtube so the whole world can see how horrible she is.
I guess where I get lost is in the details. If your child had a disagreement with a peer and they were the ones who took out that ad in the paper telling the world how sinful your child was you'd be mad, right? But as a parent it is an effective means of discipline? Jump down my throat all you want to, but I pray constantly that I will never be so angry with my child that I will go from protecting them from all the people who want to hurt them to being one of them.
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5 comments:
I saw that video from that dad and it made me really sad. (I hadn't heard of the other two...) I agree with everything you said. It is also very convicting as I am trying very hard to only say positives about my kids to others and yet it is so easy to compare the bad rather than the good (same with husbands!). Just yesterday I found myself swapping bad stories with the kids' biological aunt. Not in front of the kids, but still I feel bad about it.
So, yes...I agree...thank you for posting.
Very well written. A parent should never shame their child into compliance. Discipline your child? Yes, absolutely. But it should not be a public matter.
Absolutely. I think we've really gotten off track, we are a pretty selfish society and it's an us vs. them game. Not just with kids and discipline; I think across the board. We need to check our motives and also think, like you did, is this even going to work? What do we really want? Anyway, I agree, that was very well written! (and so far it doesn't look like you've offended anybody;)
BTW...I tagged you in my most recent post...
YES!!!
More than any other way, I think the way that Jesus wanted us to be different from the norm was in the way we treat those smaller or weaker than us, especially those in our direct care. Parenting seems to be extreme to one way or the other, both of which are hurtful and generationally destructive. To see my Christian friends condoning and even approving of these kinds of examples as been very distressing. Very thankful for your post!
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